Friday, October 8

Perinatal Loss and Remembrance Month

October is Perinatal and Newborn Loss Month.  The unfortunate part is that our family is currently dealing with a perinatal loss.  This is not my story to tell, it didn’t happen to me, it happened around me.  But I can tell a different story.  I can tell the story of the Aunt who lost the chance to love a niece or nephew.   I can tell the story of the overly fertile cousin.  It sucks to have been ALMOST given the chance to love a little one.  It sucks to feel guilt because you were given a little one to love.

Back in 2007, my cousin and her husband had been trying for years, literally about 10 years, to get pregnant.  And we’re having no luck.  They are good people.  They’re married and have savings accounts.  They live on their own.  They’re pretty much no doubt ready for kids.  Except they were having trouble.

There I was twenty, going to school, single, had ZERO savings, and my permanent address was definitely still my mom’s house.  And it didn’t look like too much was changing.  Not any time soon anyhow.  And then one weekend I bring this Crap-tacular boyfriend home.  I told my mom that I was feeling like crap, and told her my symptoms (cause 1, she’s my mom and 2, she’s a nurse) and she got that look in her eye.  And I chewed on the inside of my bottom lip, nervous habit.  I knew it, I knew what she was thinking and I hoped she was wrong. Oh man did I ever hope she was wrong.

Well she wasn’t wrong.  She was right, she was right and the boyfriend was crap.  Not only was he crap, he was CRAZY crap.  He assumed that our relationship was like all inclusive just add baby.  And it so wasn’t, but that’s for a different day.  After dealing with the breakup and the you’ll make it, and finally the relief of not having a crazy as crap boyfriend.  I was labeled fertile myrtle, by my aunt.

Fertile freaking myrtle, like I’m soil.  Or or, I dunno like I’m some kinda animal, or plant, or I just don’t even know.  All I know is that I knew her daughter was having trouble conceiving and I barely looked at a guy, and here I am, Prego. So I probably am fertile myrtle. But its full of sucktatude.

And now here I am two years later and 5 months after giving birth to my second little uh oh.  And my sister lost her baby.

My sister is crazy. She really is, but in that I hate you right now but I’ll love you in five minutes; doesn’t sugar coat ANYTHING, even when she thinks she is kinda way.  And I do love her. And I know she’s gone through stuff (which is definitely a different post).  And just as she was getting used to the thought of being a pregnant, she looses it.

My sister who I’ve tried to protect through out the years, and in some times she’s had to protect me.  Is not only going through something I can’t protect her from, but I can’t even really understand and I’ve never been through. I’ve been so lucky and so blessed when it comes to my pregnancies and kids.  And I’m surrounded by people who have difficulties.

My family will tell you that I apologize for things I have no control over, and to inanimate things.  And my heart somehow ended up guilty as a child. So you can only guess how sorry I feel.  How repentant I am, that I have healthy children and easy pregnancies, and more than one child. And all of these things before I’m 25.
I know, wrong and backwards, and nothing I can control. And I’m blessed, and I’m sorry for my sister, and my cousin.

And I’m sorry for my mom and Granny who dealt with miscarriages. And for my Grandma who dealt with the loss of a baby to SIDS, and for anyone else out there who has, is or might possibly deal with the loss of a pregnancy or baby.

The Flower of May,
The Month My Niece/Nephew would have been born

To the niece or nephew I have in heaven, I miss you, I miss the hugs we would have shared, I miss the stories I’d have told you about your mom, I miss the time outs you’d have been in. I miss the mess that the holidays would be. And the picture opportunities, and scraps, and being a place for you to confide in.  I miss you more than you’ll know, and more than your mom could know.