It's a Shame

I have been a 'big girl' for as long as I can remember.  And I never really had any issues with that.  I was me and I was happy, and people literally called me cheeks because I smiled so much, and my cheeks looked like chipmunk cheeks.

Then one time my mom was talking to someone, I don't really remember how old I was or who she was talking to.  All I remember is that she was telling them that my not being self concious about my arm fat and wearing sleeveless tops made her feel less self concious about herself.  And while that's great for her, I realized that there was something I should be ashamed of about my body.

Then I got over it, and moved on, and loved being me and my size.  Then, after two pregnancies, I'm at this weight and body shape that I cannot get comfortable with. I can't be comfortable or proud. And there's really very little reason as to why I'm having such trouble with it.

I was never made fun of.  I was never put down.  I did all the things I wanted to do while I was growing up.

And the girls at Curvy Girl Guide have started this new own your weight thing.

And I physically can't.  And the problem with this is that I've never not owned my weight. I've never not been proud of myself and my body.  And now I am.

I am ashamed of my body. I hide my weight. I cannot own my weight/body because I am NOT okay with it.

And writing this out has made me realize that if my weight is this much of an issue for me now that I really need to focus on that, like seriously.