It's a Shame

I have been a 'big girl' for as long as I can remember.  And I never really had any issues with that.  I was me and I was happy, and people literally called me cheeks because I smiled so much, and my cheeks looked like chipmunk cheeks.

Then one time my mom was talking to someone, I don't really remember how old I was or who she was talking to.  All I remember is that she was telling them that my not being self concious about my arm fat and wearing sleeveless tops made her feel less self concious about herself.  And while that's great for her, I realized that there was something I should be ashamed of about my body.

Then I got over it, and moved on, and loved being me and my size.  Then, after two pregnancies, I'm at this weight and body shape that I cannot get comfortable with. I can't be comfortable or proud. And there's really very little reason as to why I'm having such trouble with it.

I was never made fun of.  I was never put down.  I did all the things I wanted to do while I was growing up.

And the girls at Curvy Girl Guide have started this new own your weight thing.

And I physically can't.  And the problem with this is that I've never not owned my weight. I've never not been proud of myself and my body.  And now I am.

I am ashamed of my body. I hide my weight. I cannot own my weight/body because I am NOT okay with it.

And writing this out has made me realize that if my weight is this much of an issue for me now that I really need to focus on that, like seriously.

So a little D-word Post (Depression)

Today I feel like crap. And I don’t want to deal with anything.  In addition to the seasons changing and wreaking havoc on my sinuses, I’m having MAJOR tooth pains.  I know the common sense thing is to immediately go to the phone and make an appointment with a dentist.  And maybe I would, ya know.  If I had something silly like, oh health insurance.  But I don’t.  Because being a private sitter doesn’t include the niceties like health insurance.  And Lord knows I don’t have any extra do re mi to pay for an appointment out of pocket.  So I’ll be running to the store and getting tubes of oragel, and using sensitive toothpaste and hoping and praying that it will help my teeth.  Because I’m kind of a big weenie when it comes to pain.

But I’m much better with physical pain than I am emotional pain. Even though I’ve had a lot of experience with both.  Another part of the reason I feel so cruddy today is because I’m battling a bit of depression.  I purchased and read Nora Roberts’ latest book. The fourth part of her Bride Quartet, Happily Ever After.  And I loved the story.  But instead of feeling like I escaped to a place where my life didn’t really intrude.  I feel like my life just doesn’t measure up to where it should.  This is a constant issue for me, being a single mom, (twice!!), having a not successful job, and having absolutely NO ONE interested in me.

I slept in snatches last night. I snatched a couple of hours between ten and midnight, tossed and turned until 2 and then got online from 2:30 to 4.

I’ve started reading Single Dad Laughing, and he’s proposed this amazing idea, that I’d LOVE to be a part of.  I’d love to say that I am a DANOAH girl. But I just can’t be that yet.  I was that girl, when I was in high school, I was happy and felt beautiful, and never really gave much thought to my weight and size.  And somehow after graduating it’s become a much bigger issue for me.  I think that my struggle with my weight is a leading reason for my current depression.  And so here I am trying to muddle my way through, maybe waddle is a better word choice.

I was so impressed with Barefoot Foodie, when we she did a Vlog  with Andy, her man, about their sizes and the differences in them.  And how he didn’t care about her size and about the fact that she couldn’t fit his pants. (Which I personally think is wonderful, but I totally understand her issue with it.  Cat’s father had a 36 inch waist.  I don’t think I even have a 36 inch inseam. So I get it.  And I totally turned green with envy at her size 16 self.)

And apparently I just needed to vent, and maybe someone out there, who ends up reading this (instead of my weekly weigh in post) will have some clue, some insight, some inspiration, some sort of hope for me, in this sad little rain cloud I’m carrying around with me.

Week Three (Warning Worst Picture EVER!)

Where in the world did this week go? I can’t believe it’s already time to post a new one of these.

WEEK THREE
Height: 5ft 5in
Weight: 294.4 lbs
BMI: 49
Waist: 52 inches
Bust: 49 inches
Hips: 59 inches
Thigh: 32 inches
Arm: 21.5 inches
Pants Size: 24
Shirt Size: 2X, 22

Etc:: Well as I said before, I’ve got a wedding to get ready for, not my own unfortunately.  But as a bridesmaid, I gotta get busy. So I’ve gone to 2 Zumba classes in a row. I’m already feeling the “burn.”

PS- I am soo sorry about the horrid quality of this picture, I forgot that I needed a picture and we haven't had the camera out at all (well at least no where near focused on me). So I had to take one early this morning with my phone. And it is obviously NOT an Iphone.