Breakin up with My Dad

Not everyone has the pleasure of breaking up with their dad. I am one of the lucky few.


He has always had sociopathic tendencies. However, the average person (especially children) have very little knowledge of what to look for when it comes to psychotic or sociopathic behaviors. So for the first 15 years of my life I had no clue.

Don't get me wrong, my dad could be great, and he could also be a horridly terrifying person. To go through any amount of occurrences is unnecessarily time consuming. Just trust me, my childhood was less than idyllic.

So long story short, he's spending some time getting three hot and a cot, courtesy of the state of Tennessee. And during these stays, he tends to go through a cycle. We can follow the cycle thanks to my Granny and Nanny (his mom and grandmother).

The first stage is where he wants either or both of them to get in touch with whomever he was hooked up (and "in love")with at the time. The second stage he attempts to get in touch with my siblings and myself, and in contact with some other people he's been "talking" to while doing "business" in whatever state/town/city. Then there's a little depression and everyone would be so much better without him. Then, finally, when he had screwed everyone else over and they realized how much he'd screwed them for, and the only hope he could see was attempting to come back to our family. (Which he'd gladly left multiple times since I was around eleven.)

So currently we are at the very end of this cycle. His boy toy has left him, and he is lonely, and none of his business (or otherwise) partners are willing to help him, be released. So he's writing to my brother, sister and myself. I'm relatively sure my sister hasn't even looked at her letter. I know that my brother read his, and will probably write back something interesting and insightful for his fifteen year old self.

I've read my letter and drafted a reply. The first letter to him since I was pregnant with Cat (and he subsequently called her a mistake, which I didn't take kindly).

I think the final paragraph is a decent summary of my stand on this...

"You've messed with my life as much as you can, and you will no longer be in it. I wish you the best of luck in you relationship with God, however I am not interested in being a part of that either. And you will not be welcome to pictures of myself or my children, nor will you ever be welcome in my home. "

Dora = MommaResa Death

It’s true. Tonight I finally did it. I finally gave into Cat.  I fixed her a meal of her own.
I made salad and spaghetti for everyone.  While I was finishing the spaghetti I made her salad and let her get a head start on dinner. (And give me a break with the “heppin you tookt’)

I figured spaghetti to be a kid friendly meal, seeing as she usually likes anything with tomato sauce (that can smear and get EVERYWHERE). 

Well not tonight. Tonight she didn’t want any. She wanted to watch Dora (which really translates to Diego, because she likes boys).  And nothing else would do.

But I knew she was hungry, because Sar doesn’t feed her an afternoon snack. (No I don’t know why. But this will be rectified within the next week.)

So in order to get her to stop screaming, because my nerves just can NOT handle that ((I will be so glad when 32 months comes along (Cause ya know after two and a half it’s supposed to get easier.  Less tantrums is what I heard)))  I offered to make her some eggs, and a slice of cheese. And she “hepped” me “tookt” the scrambled eggs, and put a slice of cheese on them.

And I heard my control snap, audibly snap. I felt her breaking me.  It’s a sad sad day at the MR house.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I have doubts, but maybe.

♥♥♥ Momma Resa


PS- She ate like 3 bites of the eggs (I give up)
PPS- She’s “heppin” me right now. With this very post
PPPS-She’s only “heppin” so she can watch Dora (aka Diego) when I finish posting.
PPPPS- Send out the troops to look for my control cause it’s still running loose in western Kentucky.

Letter to My Person...

Dear Darlingest Jazzy Faye!

I misser you like no other!   You’re the bomb and I had massive amounts of fun commenting back and forth with you and Sar on FB tonight.

It brings back memories of Iming you from the Grill when we were at work.  About stupid things, like what was for dinner, and when the soccer players where going to be done.  I also miss having the fun of three days in one with you.

Back when I could stay up till 2 and get up at 730 with no real issue.  I’d have my nights with you, and my mornings with professors and breakfast. And the in between was all about the J O B.

 Now I have a whole different kind of routine.  Waking up and hoping that BB & Cat sleep through me getting ready so I don’t have to deal with crying.  Crying always breaks my heart.  You know that, not that I’m emotional or anything (like I’d cry for hours over a stupid CRUSH, who barely knew my name or anything)  I rush off to the JOB and when I get off, (sometimes I come straight home, like 4 nights a week).  And other days I go to the YMCA, for a little Zumba (PS- we’d totally have ROCKED Zumba’s world at Conco. Cause we’re awesome like that!)  Then I come home, and at home I don’t sit down for like the first 15 minutes. Cause that’s just not something I can do. Gotta check BB and Cat. Clean up whatever mess Cat created last. And see about some small snack for her before I even start to look at what’s for dinner.

And girl, let me tell you. Cooking is a whole other story now.  Cat is constantly trying to “heep me” with getting into the fridge, or stirring the food OUT of the bowl.  Not to mention making faces at herself in the oven, and shaking the salt EVERY where.

I can’t really imagine Thanksgiving this year.  Maybe she’ll really be into The Parade, so I won’t have to worry about her “helping” but I have a feeling everything maybe a little salty. Haha.

Here’s to me missing you Jazzy Faye!
All My Love!!!
♥♥♥Momma Resa


This post was inspired by SITS Content is King: Finding Your Voice 
So be sure to show some love here && There!!

So a little D-word Post (Depression)

Today I feel like crap. And I don’t want to deal with anything.  In addition to the seasons changing and wreaking havoc on my sinuses, I’m having MAJOR tooth pains.  I know the common sense thing is to immediately go to the phone and make an appointment with a dentist.  And maybe I would, ya know.  If I had something silly like, oh health insurance.  But I don’t.  Because being a private sitter doesn’t include the niceties like health insurance.  And Lord knows I don’t have any extra do re mi to pay for an appointment out of pocket.  So I’ll be running to the store and getting tubes of oragel, and using sensitive toothpaste and hoping and praying that it will help my teeth.  Because I’m kind of a big weenie when it comes to pain.

But I’m much better with physical pain than I am emotional pain. Even though I’ve had a lot of experience with both.  Another part of the reason I feel so cruddy today is because I’m battling a bit of depression.  I purchased and read Nora Roberts’ latest book. The fourth part of her Bride Quartet, Happily Ever After.  And I loved the story.  But instead of feeling like I escaped to a place where my life didn’t really intrude.  I feel like my life just doesn’t measure up to where it should.  This is a constant issue for me, being a single mom, (twice!!), having a not successful job, and having absolutely NO ONE interested in me.

I slept in snatches last night. I snatched a couple of hours between ten and midnight, tossed and turned until 2 and then got online from 2:30 to 4.

I’ve started reading Single Dad Laughing, and he’s proposed this amazing idea, that I’d LOVE to be a part of.  I’d love to say that I am a DANOAH girl. But I just can’t be that yet.  I was that girl, when I was in high school, I was happy and felt beautiful, and never really gave much thought to my weight and size.  And somehow after graduating it’s become a much bigger issue for me.  I think that my struggle with my weight is a leading reason for my current depression.  And so here I am trying to muddle my way through, maybe waddle is a better word choice.

I was so impressed with Barefoot Foodie, when we she did a Vlog  with Andy, her man, about their sizes and the differences in them.  And how he didn’t care about her size and about the fact that she couldn’t fit his pants. (Which I personally think is wonderful, but I totally understand her issue with it.  Cat’s father had a 36 inch waist.  I don’t think I even have a 36 inch inseam. So I get it.  And I totally turned green with envy at her size 16 self.)

And apparently I just needed to vent, and maybe someone out there, who ends up reading this (instead of my weekly weigh in post) will have some clue, some insight, some inspiration, some sort of hope for me, in this sad little rain cloud I’m carrying around with me.

Her-Story

There are a lot of things about me you don’t know, so I’m going to (randomly) post little snippets about me, and my life. Because (basically) it’s my blog and I wanna. So neenner neenner.


I went to a Lutheran College for two years. No I am not Lutheran, I’m nondenominational charismatic.  I was once told it sounded like I an std instead of a church denomination.  And that my be true.  But it is what I am, and how I was raised.

You might be wondering what exactly is nondenominational charismatic? What does that std like name mean? Are there people I might know who are that? How does this relate to the world? Blah blah blah, and basically I put this in an easy, not to technical or lengthy way.  It means I’m a Christian, and I don’t recognize with any certain denomination (sounds like a church ho, I know). And I believe that signs and miracles still happen (There will be no debate on this subject. Because it is not something that I will debate. These are my beliefs. I don’t attempt to convert you, and I expect the same courtesy from you.) 

Anyhow, for two long, crazy years I went to a Lutheran College.  Mostly because I didn’t have instate student status, so I may as well go to a private college and they had really great dorms.
The teaching was adequate and (some of) the people I met were A-mazing!
My first roommate was great. She really helped me be a better person, even though we went through some really really crazy (like you wouldn’t believe how crazy) stuff for freshmen.
And my roommate my second year, she was great. She is like the bestest librarian ever! And talk about a bibliophile, oh man. She loves her some books, not to mention penguins.
In addition to roommates I met my “person” as they say on Grey’s. Yang & Grey are each other’s person. And this chick, she’s so my person. She’s like the only person I could be a person with. She’s my Jazzy-Jazz, my J master, my Jazzy Faye. The girl I would lay down life and limb for. And when I first met her, I hated her. And her gorgeous hazel eyes, and great boobs, and her height. But we’ve gotten past all our jealousy issues, and I love her. And she’s godmother to both of my kids. And I swear I wouldn’t be with her if I were gay, but I still love her. (Basically because we can get sick of each other… kinda)

And in addition to all of that wonderfulness up there, all those great people. I met Dr. Neal Migan. Who is this person you may ask? This man I sound so reverent about, I’m not married to not a spouse. He is married, so not a boy toy or fling. He was my English professor. (Just another reason he was not a boyfriend, you know besides that whole being married with two daughters thing.)
He taught my English composition 101 class, and I ended up taking his English composition 301, my sophomore year. Of all the professors I had I remember him with the most clarity. (That totally goes back to this post.)

Well that’s your snippet about me. Oh in case your wondering. I was going for a business degree, international marketing. At a Lutheran teaching school.  I really should have looked into it (the school) better. Haha.

Memory Walk...

Because I always slack on the weekend, and just do a round up post at some point between Sunday night and Monday morning, here we go.

I  have almost no clue what I did on Friday night.

Saturday morning we did the Memory Walk in Evansville.  We do the Memory Walk, because my mom is specialized in Alzheimer’s and dementia care. And when I worked in the nursing home, I worked on the dementia unit.  And the whole disease is absolutely devastating.   Not to mention Maria Shriver has anew initiative about it.  The funniest part was watching Cat dance in the walk to the drummers.  She’d just start to drop it low.  It was hilarious, and of course we left the cameras in the van.. Cause we’re smart like that.

After hitting up Bob Evans and the mall, we came home, and putzed around.  I’m not a hundred percent sure what all we did. But I know some pumpkins got decorated and I made Ree’s Cinnamon Roll dough.

Sunday I made the mini monkey bread cupcake thingers, and they were delish.  And after church I made chili , using Lawry’s spice package, and it was delish.

I made some delish cornbread to go with it.  It was GREAT.  Just mix a can of whole kernel corn, and some cheese with 2 boxes of Jiffy Corn Muffin mix.  And it’s awesome.  Just try it, just once and let me know what you think, and how thankful you are. Because it’s AMAZING, and you will be thankful.

And on a whole different note.  One of my best friends is getting married. Oh and I’m in her line up. Oh and it’s in May, not the end of may either. The freaking beginning of May. The freaking 7th of May. And who still looks like an oompa loompa? Oh that’d be me.  So I’ve got to up my game for the next few months.

What does that mean, you ask? That means instead of doing Zumba once or twice a week starting Monday I will be doing Zumba Monday, Tuesday, some Wednesdays, Thursday and Saturday.   Will I be sore? Heck yes! Will I want to cry and want to give up? Of course! Buuuut I’m going to have to push through that, because I refuse to be the huge girl in green beside the bride.

Oh and on SparkPeople I start a new challenge on November 1st.  It’s the last loser standing, basically after you sign up, you send a picture of your scale to the moderator. And weekly you send a new picture, to keep from cheating, to the moderator.  And as long as you lose weight, you’re in for the next week.  Until, TADA, the last loser is standing.  I’m so juiced about this I can’t wait.

Oh I’ve also decided about dealing with my emotional eating monster I’ve got have one day where I just kinda let myself go.  And usually when I do that I won’t give in for the rest of the week, and don’t end up going too crazy on my cheat days. So for the next two months I’m doing that, and hopefully-cross your fingers- I’ll be able to give up the habit.

And now I’m going to go to bed, so I can get up in the morning.

Week 2 Weigh in Companion

I knew this would be a possibility when I put it all out “there” like I decided to.. And I already know I feel like I let myself down a little this past weekend…  I crapped out and gained back 0.8lbs this week. It probably has more to do with the family portraits on Saturday and my refusal to go to Zumba Monday night, because last week the Instructor intimidated me with a move I couldn’t get.  But still, I crapped out.  But it’s renewed me and gave me a revelation.  This is a life style change, and sometimes you’re going to be stressed.  And sometimes the instructor is going to be a turd, and try to give you Zumba homework (if I had the time/ability to do Zumba at home why would I go to the class?).  And sometimes you’re just going to gain that 0.8lbs in a week, and that’s normal.  So I’m just trying to be okay with it.

And to be honest (Because that’s kinda what this is here for) I almost didn’t post this up here this week.  I was really hesitant, but then I’m not being real, or accountable which is the WHOLE point of doing this on here.

So I’m struggling right now, with this feeling of ‘I let myself down, AGAIN’ guilt.  Have you ever done something and got that feeling (even if you know that what you did was normal?)? How did you cope with, overcome, get over it?

Bad Bad Momma

I’m a bad mom. It’s true, and you should know. Do you want to know why I’m such a bad mom? Of course you do, so you can know how severely I should be punished.. ..

• My daughter still sleeps in my bed
• My son has only slept in my bed twice
• I sometimes put off washing bottles until I need them, and then I only wash the one bottle that I need at that moment
• I sometimes put Cat in the playpen with Playhouse Disney on so I can ---- (Cook, mop, go to the bathroom, give BB a bath, shower, etc)
• I had thirty bajillion pictures of Cat when she was five months old, and I have about.. Thirty-five pictures of BB.
• Sometimes I wait till after Cat goes to bed to have dessert, so I don’t have to worry about her stealing my fork/spoon AND my dessert
• I’ve downloaded ringtones of the songs Cat likes so that I can play them when we’re grocery shopping. 
• I don’t wait for Cat to go to bed before I watch adult programming (such as Law and Order, Castle, NCIS, Grey’s Anatomy, etc)
• I bought a leash like device to use when I have to go somewhere with Cat and BB where there aren’t carts.  
• Cat thinks she’s grown and demands things
• Neither of my kids have a bed time, they almost have a routine
• I tend to reward Cat with food (read: M&M’s) when we’re in public (basically because it works the most efficiently)

Now to counter act some of these things, Cat does know to say please and thank you.  She holds hands, kinda well.  She can almost count to ten. She’s relatively vocal and clear.  She is very loving, and holds hands about 99.5% of the time.  BB has plenty of love to go around, smiles constantly and puts up with his sister with very little fuss.

My mom raised us with the mantra, my kids will know they were loved. And I can say without a doubt that I know I am loved, and I know that my kids are loved, and they know that I love them.

And that is the MOST important part.  The rest will resolve itself. 

Random Spur of the Moment Post

Last night we had gymnastics. Gymnastics are much more of a trial for me than they are for Cat. I thought they'd be great for her. Since she stays home with her aunt and brother during the week, and doesn't spend much time with kids her own age. I thought oh wonderful and not nearly as expensive as preschool. And that would be great if I could just drop her off and then she’d have some socialization.
Oh but noooo it has to be a mommy and me class. Which means I have to go. Which means after being at work for nine hours I get to pick her up and go hang out with her and five other toddlers, oh and their moms. Those five kids and their moms have been doing this for a little while. So they are all used to each other. And their kids are used to at least kind of focusing on the routines. Not Cat, she’s focusing on the older kids who are doing lots of flips and jumps and God only knows what. And there I am sweating, because for some reason I always sweat at gymnastics even though I’m not really doing anything. So I’m sweating and trying to get her to pay attention and do the little stretches or at least look at her teacher. But noooo. So I end up trying to get her to tumble with NO progress. And she’s no little kid, so flipping her is quite the work out.

And the realization hits me that I’ve got her in the wrong class. This is the working moms, kids who go to daycare and preschool, kids who have been doing structured play for God only knows how long class. And Cat needs to be in the stay at home mom, can make her own schedule, don’t have to worry about structured play because the kids stay at home with someone class. And that class meets in the mornings, cause hello they can create and manage their own schedule. And that’s where Cat wouldn’t be the under achiever. Because those kids would be on the same attention span with her… but it’s too late for all that. She’s in the evening class. And we’re going to sweat it out.

Maybe one day I’ll get Gamma or Sar to take some pictures of our gymnastic king selves. But currently I’m too busy sweating and not hauling her out of the gym on Tuesday evenings to take pictures.