Wednesday, November 3

So a little D-word Post (Depression)

Today I feel like crap. And I don’t want to deal with anything.  In addition to the seasons changing and wreaking havoc on my sinuses, I’m having MAJOR tooth pains.  I know the common sense thing is to immediately go to the phone and make an appointment with a dentist.  And maybe I would, ya know.  If I had something silly like, oh health insurance.  But I don’t.  Because being a private sitter doesn’t include the niceties like health insurance.  And Lord knows I don’t have any extra do re mi to pay for an appointment out of pocket.  So I’ll be running to the store and getting tubes of oragel, and using sensitive toothpaste and hoping and praying that it will help my teeth.  Because I’m kind of a big weenie when it comes to pain.

But I’m much better with physical pain than I am emotional pain. Even though I’ve had a lot of experience with both.  Another part of the reason I feel so cruddy today is because I’m battling a bit of depression.  I purchased and read Nora Roberts’ latest book. The fourth part of her Bride Quartet, Happily Ever After.  And I loved the story.  But instead of feeling like I escaped to a place where my life didn’t really intrude.  I feel like my life just doesn’t measure up to where it should.  This is a constant issue for me, being a single mom, (twice!!), having a not successful job, and having absolutely NO ONE interested in me.

I slept in snatches last night. I snatched a couple of hours between ten and midnight, tossed and turned until 2 and then got online from 2:30 to 4.

I’ve started reading Single Dad Laughing, and he’s proposed this amazing idea, that I’d LOVE to be a part of.  I’d love to say that I am a DANOAH girl. But I just can’t be that yet.  I was that girl, when I was in high school, I was happy and felt beautiful, and never really gave much thought to my weight and size.  And somehow after graduating it’s become a much bigger issue for me.  I think that my struggle with my weight is a leading reason for my current depression.  And so here I am trying to muddle my way through, maybe waddle is a better word choice.

I was so impressed with Barefoot Foodie, when we she did a Vlog  with Andy, her man, about their sizes and the differences in them.  And how he didn’t care about her size and about the fact that she couldn’t fit his pants. (Which I personally think is wonderful, but I totally understand her issue with it.  Cat’s father had a 36 inch waist.  I don’t think I even have a 36 inch inseam. So I get it.  And I totally turned green with envy at her size 16 self.)

And apparently I just needed to vent, and maybe someone out there, who ends up reading this (instead of my weekly weigh in post) will have some clue, some insight, some inspiration, some sort of hope for me, in this sad little rain cloud I’m carrying around with me.

1 comment:

  1. I read this post to get a comparison feel for your style. This one feels just as sincere as your letter. Less energy, but that's to be expected with the depression. You conveyed your mood well. I think that's important, too. Fluff when you don't feel it is just painful. For you and the reader.

    I've struggled with depression. I know the not sleeping, not eating, don't want to do anything. It stinks. I'm sorry it's bitten you. I think we all have to work through it on our own. Even in therapy, it's me doing all the work; my therapist just guides me a bit and keeps me from going over the edge. I've written about depression on my blog. If you want to feel like you're not alone, check it out. It's on the top right of my blog, titled Depression (clever, huh?)

    As for the toothache, so sorry. I know what it's like to be in pain and not be able to seek treatment because of lack of treatment. I don't know if you've tried this but when I was a kid my brother got a bad toothache that had to wait the weekend. My mom put crushed cloves on it and it helped. I don't know how nasty it is or how well it works. Just thought I'd pass it on.

    I hope things clear up for you soon. Until then, you are not alone.